Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
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Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
just leave it at the foot of the bed