The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
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sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.