Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.