anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
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something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Somebody’s lying.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family