Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
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[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
first you must answer his riddles
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me