I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
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Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud