GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
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I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
repaired
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day