i hope this email finds you fast and furious
You Might Also Like
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist