BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
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i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75