When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
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Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I bet birds love this building.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.