13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
You Might Also Like
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.