and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Feels like the fourth month in January
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t