*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
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My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet