[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.