Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
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My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids