ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
You Might Also Like
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Just had my nails done!
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
🤣
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire