I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
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– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!