Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
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Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Meat Cute
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit