Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
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Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa