Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
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With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I love the honesty
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?