Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
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My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
dogs can find happiness so easily
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
rich people when they have to pay taxes
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.