This is why I don’t delete Facebook
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I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up