[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
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PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My work here is done
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
If only
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes