I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?