Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
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people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.