What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth