Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
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Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
the saddest jazz hands ever
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.