I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
A short story of betrayal:
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: how are you
Friday: good