Jurassic park gets weird
You Might Also Like
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices