When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
R.I.P.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.