[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
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Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
No. He’s not coming out to play
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.