Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
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I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”