[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
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I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.