chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
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I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
This is my favorite one of these!
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.