Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
knights of the ikea table
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!