Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
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If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
ok like just. call me at this point
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’