butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
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Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals