Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
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Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.