Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
You Might Also Like
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*