Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
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Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Battery falling down a hole
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.