Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
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Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
#oldknees
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.