A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
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Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar