“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
You Might Also Like
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Sounds like a bargain
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.