Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
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What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Monday?
No. Next question.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people