I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
classic mixup
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.