WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
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ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
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Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.