Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
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Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow