I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
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If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.