Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
You Might Also Like
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
This is the one
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*