People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
You Might Also Like
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
December birthdays be like…
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.